A woman

Aku tumbuh besar melihat Ibuku mengurus keluarga dan melayani Bapakku. Ibuku adalah Ibu rumah tangga, tidak banyak berteman, lebih banyak menghabiskan waktu dengan Bapakku. Melayaninya, mengurus keperluannya, keperluan anak-anaknya. Beliau mengerjakan semua urusan dari subuh hingga malam, tanpa meminta bantuan yang terlalu banyak kepada kita semua. Sikap cerianya membuat kita semua menyangka bahwa semua pekerjaan itu bukanlah pekerjaan yang melelahkan. Melihatnya, seperti mudah sekali mengurus rumah sambil memasak sambil memikirkan anak-anaknya, keluarganya, dan lain sebagainya. Memang dulu Ibuku sudah tidak bekerja semenjak aku SMP. Tapi melakukan pekerjaan yang sama berulang-ulang tanpa ada selingan seperti jaman sekarang juga butuh tingkat istiqomah yang lumayan kan?

Dan aku, belum genap 3 tahun menjadi istri, belum berbaby, belum hamil juga, sudah merasa kelelahan bekerja, mengurus rumah, melayani suami. Aku, pulang dari kerja, masih butuh berleyeh-leyeh satu jam sebelum mulai ke dapur. Di dapur aku biasanya menghabiskan waktu satu jam untuk menyiapkan makan malam dan beberes jilid 2, yaitu cuci piring dan bersih-bersih dapur. Setelah itu suami pulang, rasa lelah ini sudah nambah. Kurang cerialah wajah, hanya mampu mendengarkan suami bercerita apapun dan memberikan respon semaksimal mungkin. Lebih malam lagi, beberes rumah jilid 3, yaitu meletakan barang-barang pada tempatnya, dan mengambil cucian kering. Beberes jilid 1 dilakukan pagi hari, cuci piring, cuci baju, menyiapkan sarapan, menyapu, dan membungkus pakaian bersih untuk disetrika di laundry. Hayati tak sanggup menyetrika, Mamah :(

Ternyata oh ternyata syulitnya menjadi wanita tangguh. Apalagi kalau sudah punya anak ya.. Belum lagi musti sabar kalau pasangan berulah aneh-aneh.. Mungkin karena ini balasannya surga dari pintu mana saja. AAMIIIN..

Tapi bagaimana bisa ya Ibuku tetap tertawa di tengah-tengah rasa lelahnya? Bagaimana bisa ya Ibuku tetap bercerita macam-macam setelah selesai mengurus rumah? Bagaimana bisa ya Ibuku tetap terlihat sumringah setiap anaknya datang walaupun pasti Ibuku masak besar dan beberes rumah? Sedangkan akuh setiap merasa lelah, pasti diam. Me-recharge tenaga. Tapi aku setiap ditraktir suami makan enak di luar pasti langsung ceria lagi. Ternyata hati sama perut ini dekat sekali ikatannya..^^

Mungkin Allah lagi ingin mengajariku repotnya jadi Ibu. Jadi aku pun men-set diriku untuk repot di rumah, mengurus macam-macam, memikirkan macam-macam, berbelanja macam-macam (eaa), dan berdoa macam-macam. InsyaALLAH AAMIIN..

Media

How media has changed us.

It changes our way of thinking about what is beautiful.

It changes our way of seeing what is happiness.

It changes our way of feeling grateful.

Media has determined us.

When knowing and putting make up on means beautiful.

When being exist travelling and active updating in social media means happiness.

When having complete family, boy/girlfriend, lots of gifts means grateful.

Media has formed us.

Peace means yoga.

Love means spouse.

Blessed means having kids.

Media has dictated us.

To be exist in social media.

To buy and eat the most happening food.

To put make up on.

While I’m sure some of those might help us to feel grateful, blessed, peace, loved, etc.

But I’m afraid if I’m not that good or smart enough to manage my heart, I will become someone who doesn’t feel enough with what I have, doesn’t feel content.

Oh how media has big impact nowadays. 

And I’m so afraid of small interventions it gives to me

about dream

I have a dream that is still hanging in my head and ready to come out. The thing is, I don’t find time to grow it day by day, simply because I have another priorities to do as a wife. Pursuing dream makes me feel alive and happy even I only do it for a bit every single day.

I’ve learned that it’s important to have “me time” every week or every month or every range of time you need, that’s why I go back doing yoga twice a week, I bake and cook anything I like, I read a book during my lunch break at the office library, I pray slowly and try to connect with Allah as deep as possible. Then I feel like I’m treating myself good enough.

But, there are still empty room for me, myself, need to fulfill. I know what that is. It’s my desire to grow my dream every single day.

How can I fulfill others when I feel lack of fulfillment?

Being a working wife is not easy for me.

In the other hand, my perfection kills my mood at home whenever I want to do something important. For example, When I want to cook, I see the dirty dishes and kitchen, I turn out clean everything and THEN cook. In the end, I feel exhausted. It happens often. I know I just need to let the mess JUST BE around, but I can’t. I still can’t.

If you ask, so what is your husband doing?

For house work, I can say nothing. Everything is done by me. He’s busy gardening and managing the IG account of @kebunrumahkami, hehehe. He’s actually providing me all the tools I need to clean the house, the equipment to bake and cook everything I want, and the finest gadget to support my work and achieve my dream. Well, I’m happy to do all the work for the sake of my service to God as my new role, wife. But sometimes I’m tired. That’s all I want to say. All the tools indeed should makes the work easier, but then my perfection makes me tired. Hehe this thing really needs to be released when I do the housework.

When I’m tired, I can’t do anything to get closer to my dream. It makes my heart broken every time I see my laptop on the table, waiting patiently for me to find my time, ready to work with me.

Wait, just wait. I’ll chase you in another second. 

I promise. :)

May Allah give us a chance to achieve our dream. Aamiin YRA.

about fear

If fear of fall in love makes someone better, why does love can’t?

If fear of someone makes someone wiser, why does love can’t?

If fear of going back normal makes someone stronger, why does love can’t?

Why does love can’t change something for better?

Why does love can’t move mountain?

Maybe indeed love doesn’t always feel so good.

Maybe love just tests you.

Maybe love is just concept in one person and real action in another.

Maybe love has many faces.